The Journey of Forgiveness

In the last couple of years, I have been brought face-to-face with the cruelties that we can do to one another. I believe I have mentioned this before: I am not talking about the Bin Ladins of the world, I am talking about what we can do to each other every day in the course of our lives.

I am really not sure what the lesson here is for me. I remember a physician I worked with who behaved very cruelly to those who worked for him, but also to his patients. I tried to stop him. I reported his actions to the administrator. Unfortunately, the administrator (who is no longer in that position, btw) was afraid of confrontation so she never held this physician accountable for his actions.

I also have recounted the unjustified cruel treatment that I suffered at the hands of ICU nurses who basically had their "clique," to which I did not belong. And then of course, last but not least is the man who so cruelly hurt me by inexplicably leaving me, and then (as I found out yesterday), informed me that I had left him, conveniently forgetting the number of times I attempted to apologize to him.

So today I am wondering about forgiveness. Is it possible for me to forgive these people who hurt me so badly? I actually didn't realize how much I was hurt by my experiences in the ICU until I took a job at a clinic, and found that I was regularly having panic attacks and wanting to cry, because I was afraid that I would be threatened and/or falsely accused of something again.

I was raised in a Christian home, and although my beliefs have changed from being strictly Christian, I still consider myself a follower of Christ. As such, I believe that we are all sacred children of the Creator. So it is very difficult for me to reconcile these beliefs with the experiences that I have had lately.

I remember speaking to my mentor about the physician. I was thinking of the story of The Good Samaritan. I told him that if I came across the cruel physician lying beaten at the side of the road (or any of the wantonly cruel and cowardly people that I have encountered lately), it would be difficult for me to decide to stop and help. My mentor assured me that I would do the right thing in such a situation, but just the thought that I could hesitate to help someone who I believed to be cruel and unethical really made me think.

What if I can't, or don't want to, forgive these people for what they have done? Sometimes I think that forgiving someone is like condoning what they did, and I certainly do not want to condone the cruel behavior that I have encountered lately.

But I also know that forgiveness is far more than complicity. I realize that forgiveness does not include condoning evil or cruelty. Rather, it is knowing that I can be whoever I want to be in the face of it, and I can learn to rise above it and not be at the effect of it. This is a very difficult process, and part of the process involves being willing to look at ways in which I have hurt people, as well as accepting the fact that there will be, at least in the near future, people who will be dishonest, self-serving and cruel. And if I truly think I can't forgive someone, I can turn the situation over to Creator, and say that at this point in my life, I am unable to do what Christ has taught. Maybe I will forgive at some point in the future, when the pain has healed some more, and I am able to gather up what I have learned from those situations and grow wiser for the lessons.

I am somehow comforted by the fact that the things I have done in the last couple of years that invited so much pain into my life were done out of love: for my patients, for the people in the community that I worked with, and for the man who in the end, walked away.

I will end this post with excerpts from one of my favorite Biblical passages:

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away...So faith, hope, love abide, but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13, 1-8,13

Heartbreak

I suppose I could have come up with a less cliched title than "heartbreak," but that is the only thing that comes to mind at the moment. I have made references in my blogs to a man who I thought unceremoniously dumped me. I received an email from him, sent to everyone in his mailbox (apparently he didn't bother to delete my email from his address book) that indicated he was moving to Florida, and he would forward information on his new whereabouts to anyone who was interested.

I was shocked and upset when I read this email. I replied to it, asking whether he seriously wanted to stay in contact with me or was this some sort of sick joke on his part, and then I decided to call him. I was sick of this inclusion/ignore thing he had going on.

So I was in the middle of leaving a message requesting that he either contact me to tell me what I had done to alienate him (I truly valued his friendship, even if we could not have a viable long-distance relationship that was beyond friendship), or to remove my information from his address book.

To my surprise, he called back. He told me that I had been the one to end the relationship, saying that I had told him not to bother with it anymore. I had only told him not to bother with walking me to my car, as I was really angry with him at the time. He apparently took this to mean that he should not bother with any part of the relationship, that it was over. I reminded him of the times that I had attempted to apologize to him (that were ignored), and said that I had friends all over the world, and distance didn't mean anything to me as far as friends were concerned. I was in the middle of saying, "I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but..." when I got that electronic message that I had been disconnected.

A bit later I called him back, and basically left a message telling him how much I cared about him, and I have friends all over the world, and it didn't matter to me whether he was living near to me, in another state, or even in another country--I would still care about him. Of course, he didn't answer the telephone, and I left him a message with little hope that he would take the time to listen to it.

My pain about this situation goes far beyond the hurt of losing someone who I love. I have lived 42 years on this planet, and I still can't understand why people--ordinarily caring people--can be so callous. So if the person who I thought I knew, and still care about reads this, I hope you are able to accept the love that I am sending you. I love you as a friend, and as another being who struggles with all of the joy and sorrow on this planet.

Namaste, Willow

"Serving Suggestion" and other strange topics

The other day, while I was cleaning house, my mind wandered off into its usual strange places. I started thinking about the dinners in my freezer (graduate school staple food), and noticed that the covers have the fine print, "Serving Suggestion." As if we are so gullible that we would believe that a little package of frozen dinner would come straight out of the box with a beautiful bowl, cutlery, etc. I supposed someone had believed it, hence the fine print.

Anyway, I started wondering about this. What if I joined one of those online dating services like "Match.com," and found a picture of some twenty-something gorgeous blond, put her in my profile, and added the disclaimer "serving suggestion?" Of course, I have a feeling that most people wouldn't get it. Not that I have any immediate plans to try an online dating service. A couple of years ago, I tried "eHarmony," and was inundated with so many creeps and weirdos that I actually went back to my personality profile to make sure I hadn't filled it out wrong. I told them to get my info the h*ll out of their database after a couple of months. My creep homing beacon works just find without help, thank you very much.

In other subjects, I have noticed a couple of rather strange adverts for medications. The first one that I noticed was a medication for restless leg syndrome (I don't remember the name of the medication). One of the warnings was that patients should call their doctors if they experienced sudden urges to gamble or strong sexual urges while taking this medication.

The other ad was for a sleeping pill, that came with the warning that the patient should contact his/her doctor immediately if they were driving, walking, or doing any other activities in their sleep. If they made it safely back to bed, how would they know what they were doing in their sleep anyway (unless they had a spouse/partner who noticed the patient taking the car out for a drive, going for long walks, or baking bread in their sleep).

It's a strange world we live in, isn't it?

Bleh--A Movie Review

I did something that I have never done in my life last night: I walked out of a movie because it was that bad. I am part of a group of people who get together almost weekly to see movies, plays, or whatever else looks good. I have missed their get-togethers many times because of work/school obligations, but I was free last night, and decided to see the Movie Of the Week with them. Well...

I had seen a few trailers for this movie: Eastern Promises. I didn't pay much attention to what it was all about; it just looked like another action movie to me. I thought, well, action movie, I love those, Viggo Mortenson has a part in it, he's a good actor and fairly good looking, how bad could it be??

Well, I found out. The movie, or at least the part of it that I saw, was focused on the Russian mob. Now, I have to admit that it might have been at least a decent movie, but anyone who knows my movie preferences will know that I will never knowingly go to a movie about the mob, mafia, or whatever they are calling themselves these days. I have never seen any of the Godfather movies, and if my television accidentally ends up on the channel that is playing reruns of The Sopranos, I will quickly switch the station or shut the TV off. I don't care how good the movie is. I think there is enough injustice, pain and violence in this world that I don't need to waste my time watching anything that focuses on a group of people who make breaking the law and viciously killing people their main business in life.

Anyway, for my $8.50 (or whatever the cost is--The Movie Group goes to a restaurant that has a dinner/movie special), I got to see people's throats being slashed, a mob guy (played by Viggo Mortenson, BTW) cutting off a dead guy's fingers and pulling out his (the dead guy's, not Viggo's) teeth so he wouldn't be identified, graphic sex with a member of the boss's "stable" as a rite of passage, more throats being slashed...you get the idea.

The pacing was also rather slow, so I vacillated between wanting to throw up and wanting to go to sleep. Also, Viggo's wardrobe was (unintentionally, I assume) hilarious. Black trenchcoat, black suit, black sunglasses...he might have just worn a big sign that said, "Hey! I'm in the Russian Mafia!"

If anyone is actually reading this (heh) and is wondering why I can love action flicks but hate mob movies, it's because in general, action movies have either a ridiculous plot or some good guy who saves the day at the end. I go to movies to see fiction, not another reminder of the many ways that we can be vicious to one another.

Since I work in a large hospital that sees quite a bit of traffic from area prisons, one might wonder why I would find mob movies so objectionable. But most of the prisoners that I met in the course of my career were basically people who had made bad decisions and/or were addicted to drugs or alcohol. If any of them cut off fingers for a living, they weren't telling me about it.

I remember one guy who confided in me that he had quit drinking the last time he was in jail. I "high-fived" and congratulated him. Gotta celebrate those small triumphs in people's lives when they don't have much to look forward to. Anyway, I'll take my crack dealers, jailbirds, wacky homeless people, etc. over calculating mobsters any day.

In Commemoration September 11, 2001

Sometimes it seems as though it happened in another lifetime. Sometimes it seems as though it happened yesterday. Strangely enough, it was the tragic events of 9/11/01 that inspired me to write creatively again. I had been journaling, and writing for classes and work, but I suddenly needed an outlet for all of the confusion and pain that I was feeling after the attacks, and in dealing with the emotional impact of the response of the United States.

Today, it almost seems as though reports of Americans dying in Iraq or Afghanistan, or terrorist threats, are as commonplace as the weather report. I am not anti military--I admire and pray for those who see it as their mission to try to make the Middle East, or the world in general, a safer place for all of us.

But I don't believe that the final answer to our problems will be military. The taking down of one dictator has never stopped another from taking power at some other time or place in the world. I believe that as human beings, we need to evolve as individuals, and as a race, before dictators, terrorist attacks, and wars stop. I don't think I'll see that in my lifetime, but will continue visualizing humanity living as one with each other, our planet, and all of her creatures. I would rather plant the seeds of lasting peace, knowing that they may grow at some time beyond my sight and being, than assume that war and strife and violence will always be the way of the human race.

I have decided to share a poem that I wrote back then. I have gained in skill and experience since writing this fledgling poem, but I still feel that the emotions that it came out of are genuine.

Prayer for the Homeland

Today, I feel anger twist
through me like flames
shooting through
the ruin of buildings
and lives
destroyed by
our own hands
turned against us.

But when I pray,
I pray for compassion.

I can shut my eyes and
still hear the screams.
I can smell the smoke
and feel the anguish
of thousands of innocents.

But when I pray,
I pray for understanding.

I want to spill blood
as surely as it has fallen
on my own homeland.
I want to beat my plowshare
back into a sword
and draw it against
this evil.

But when I pray,
I pray for peace.


And from those who are wiser (and better writers):

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” J.R.R. Tolkien in Lord of the Rings

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred let me sow love,
Where there is injury let me sow pardon,
Where there is doubt let me sow faith,
Where there is despair let me give hope,
Where there is darkness let me give light,
Where there is sadness let me give joy.

O Divine Master, grant that
I may not try to be comforted but to comfort,
Not try to be understood but to understand,
Not try to be loved but to love.
Because it is in giving that we receive,
It is in forgiving that we are forgiven,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.


The Final Analysis

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; ...Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; ...Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; ...Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; ...Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; ...Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; ...Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; ...Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; ...Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway."

Adapted from Mother Teresa enlarged and framed sign, hung in the front lobby of her Nirmala Shishu Bhavan, the children’s home in Calcutta.


Praying for Peace,

Willow

Love, and other misadventures

Okay, I will confess: Earlier in the year, I fell completely, madly in love with someone. The kind of love that had me dreamily staring off into space, writing bad poetry, and listening to sappy love songs on the radio. Unfortunately, this relationship ended suddenly and mysteriously. Basically, the man with whom I was in love with walked out of my life without explanation. We'd had what I would have considered a minor argument, but something must have really gotten to him, as that was the last I saw of him, other than a polite "hello" if we ran into each other.

At first I thought he was just angry with me, although I still have no idea what I did or said to set him off so badly. So I emailed, and left a voicemail, with apologies--for whatever it was that I did, requesting that he a least call and tell me what I did wrong so that I could make amends. But I heard nothing back, ever. I had to conclude that whatever minor thing had happened between us, he had either gotten some mysterious "emotional button" pushed and never wanted to see me again, or he was just a plain creep, or a bit of both.

So I spent at least a month dealing with the heartbreak, writing bad poetry, listening to more sappy songs, etc. My friends cheered me up with elaborate plots for revenge (none of which I carried out, although at one point I had an urge to sneak down to his car when he was at work and spray-paint "unmarked police car" on the passenger side of his car, where he would presumably not see it. But this, or anything else my friends and I cooked up, were just ways of blowing off steam and getting me to see some humor in the midst of my heartbreak. I only go on about this because I wouldn't want any chance blog reader to think I would actually do anything malicious to someone just because he broke up with me).

Anyway, time passed, and my inevitable optimism helped heal my pain and confusion over this experience. I have to admit, though, that when I went for an MRI of my back the other day, and was being asked if I had any metal objects in my body, I almost said that I think someone implanted a "creep homing beacon" somewhere on my body and I still hadn't been able to find it. But anyway...

Several blog ideas have been rolling around in my brain about this breakup. So I decided to share my lighter look at Things Willow Could Have Said To A Man To Completely and Immediately Alienate Him:

"I'm thinking of starting a call-girl business. Can I use you as a reference?"

"Oh, did I mention that strange disease I picked up while on a safari in Africa? Don't worry, the boils only last a couple of months. But you might want to think of taking some time off work, or seeking out a plastic surgeon."

"I've decided to try and get into the Guinness Book of World Records for longest armpit hair." (Yech, this one makes me want to break up with myself!)

"I'm actually a man trapped in the body of a woman."

"Let's get matching body piercings." (Okay, this one might get me into more trouble than I want...)

"Let's meet in the morgue for a romantic tryst next time we're at work together."

"By the way, here's the 17-page questionnaire that my father requires that all of my boyfriends fill out. He'll be calling to meet with you next week" (This one is probably most amusing if you know Dad).
">Okay, I was trying for ten, somewhat like David Letterman's Top Ten, but I'm stuck here and need to go get breakfast, so here is The Number One Thing Willow Could Say To A Man to Completely And Immediately Alienate Him:

"You know, I think Dubya is really hot!

"Understanding Human Relations"

I was browsing others' blogs, and came across one person who had listed one of her interests as "understanding human relations." Since I am in one of my "hermit" modes, it caused me to wonder how much progress this blogger had made in this understanding.
Basically when I go into a "hermit" mode, it means that I want to control any contact with other humans. For example my phones are turned off, and I am sequestered in my bedroom with a good mystery novel. Although I pleaded a back injury to get out of a couple of Labor Day weekend engagements, I probably could have gone if I had really wanted to.

Hermit modes strike me from time to time (as I would think they strike many writers, who may want to spend uninterrupted time writing), but this one is different. I really haven't felt like either writing or revising any of my works in progress. I believe this intentional isolation was brought on by complete and utter emotional, spiritual, and physical exhaustion.

I have alluded to some of my difficulties with my nursing position in previous blogs, but I think I'll just tell it like it is, so to speak. About six months ago, I was told that I wasn't a "good fit" for the ICU, and was basically told to resign, "or else." I was also accused of taking a narcotic medication on the job, an accusation that could not only put my job in jeopardy, it could put my license and therefore my livelihood in jeopardy. If the accusation had not been so serious, I probably would have laughed--not only had I never taken any narcotic medications in my life, but I am very sensitive to medications--I don't even take a Motrin while working because it would make me too sleepy.

Being the stubborn person that I am, I didn't resign. Instead, I consulted with an attorney, and on his advice, requested a copy of my personnel file--which had nothing incriminating in it.

Anyway, the rules of this hospital are that you have to stay in one position for a year before you can transfer out, so I had several months of waiting until I could find a better position. The trouble is, I loved what I was doing. ICU nursing was fascinating to me--I never knew what I was going to encounter when I walked through the doors on any given night.

During this time, I experienced almost daily nightmares because of this situation. I literally didn't know from one day to the next whether I would have a job. My grad school grades plummeted, and to be honest, I have basically been living off junk food and ice cream-if I eat at all. But the more I worked, the more I received feedback that I was really doing a good job--I basically didn't fit into the "clique" of nurses that had worked there for years. And to think I thought I'd left that sh*t back in junior high school. Go figure.

So when I saw this phrase about "understanding human relations," it got me thinking about a conversation that I had with one of my spiritual teachers. I explained that it's almost easier for me to understand the zealot who would crash an airplane into the World Trade Center, than it is for me to understand the everyday meanness and maliciousness that I have encountered over the past several months. My spiritual teacher said that I had happened upon one of the great mysteries of the universe.

My line of thinking goes: a zealot not only has been indoctrinated with some sort of belief system that he or she thinks is the path to Heaven, and that he or she is doing the right thing. The zealot also is not usually personally acquainted with his victims. But people that spend days and/or nights together, why would they want to spread malicious rumors about someone who they know and will presumably be working with for some time?? I find this disturbing especially in the realm of ICU nursing--patients can get worse very suddenly, and you need to know that your teammates have your back in a crisis.

Anyway, I have rambled on enough about this. The good news is that I finally have found a different position in the hospital, thank goodness.