Love, and other misadventures

Okay, I will confess: Earlier in the year, I fell completely, madly in love with someone. The kind of love that had me dreamily staring off into space, writing bad poetry, and listening to sappy love songs on the radio. Unfortunately, this relationship ended suddenly and mysteriously. Basically, the man with whom I was in love with walked out of my life without explanation. We'd had what I would have considered a minor argument, but something must have really gotten to him, as that was the last I saw of him, other than a polite "hello" if we ran into each other.

At first I thought he was just angry with me, although I still have no idea what I did or said to set him off so badly. So I emailed, and left a voicemail, with apologies--for whatever it was that I did, requesting that he a least call and tell me what I did wrong so that I could make amends. But I heard nothing back, ever. I had to conclude that whatever minor thing had happened between us, he had either gotten some mysterious "emotional button" pushed and never wanted to see me again, or he was just a plain creep, or a bit of both.

So I spent at least a month dealing with the heartbreak, writing bad poetry, listening to more sappy songs, etc. My friends cheered me up with elaborate plots for revenge (none of which I carried out, although at one point I had an urge to sneak down to his car when he was at work and spray-paint "unmarked police car" on the passenger side of his car, where he would presumably not see it. But this, or anything else my friends and I cooked up, were just ways of blowing off steam and getting me to see some humor in the midst of my heartbreak. I only go on about this because I wouldn't want any chance blog reader to think I would actually do anything malicious to someone just because he broke up with me).

Anyway, time passed, and my inevitable optimism helped heal my pain and confusion over this experience. I have to admit, though, that when I went for an MRI of my back the other day, and was being asked if I had any metal objects in my body, I almost said that I think someone implanted a "creep homing beacon" somewhere on my body and I still hadn't been able to find it. But anyway...

Several blog ideas have been rolling around in my brain about this breakup. So I decided to share my lighter look at Things Willow Could Have Said To A Man To Completely and Immediately Alienate Him:

"I'm thinking of starting a call-girl business. Can I use you as a reference?"

"Oh, did I mention that strange disease I picked up while on a safari in Africa? Don't worry, the boils only last a couple of months. But you might want to think of taking some time off work, or seeking out a plastic surgeon."

"I've decided to try and get into the Guinness Book of World Records for longest armpit hair." (Yech, this one makes me want to break up with myself!)

"I'm actually a man trapped in the body of a woman."

"Let's get matching body piercings." (Okay, this one might get me into more trouble than I want...)

"Let's meet in the morgue for a romantic tryst next time we're at work together."

"By the way, here's the 17-page questionnaire that my father requires that all of my boyfriends fill out. He'll be calling to meet with you next week" (This one is probably most amusing if you know Dad).
">Okay, I was trying for ten, somewhat like David Letterman's Top Ten, but I'm stuck here and need to go get breakfast, so here is The Number One Thing Willow Could Say To A Man to Completely And Immediately Alienate Him:

"You know, I think Dubya is really hot!