"Understanding Human Relations"

I was browsing others' blogs, and came across one person who had listed one of her interests as "understanding human relations." Since I am in one of my "hermit" modes, it caused me to wonder how much progress this blogger had made in this understanding.
Basically when I go into a "hermit" mode, it means that I want to control any contact with other humans. For example my phones are turned off, and I am sequestered in my bedroom with a good mystery novel. Although I pleaded a back injury to get out of a couple of Labor Day weekend engagements, I probably could have gone if I had really wanted to.

Hermit modes strike me from time to time (as I would think they strike many writers, who may want to spend uninterrupted time writing), but this one is different. I really haven't felt like either writing or revising any of my works in progress. I believe this intentional isolation was brought on by complete and utter emotional, spiritual, and physical exhaustion.

I have alluded to some of my difficulties with my nursing position in previous blogs, but I think I'll just tell it like it is, so to speak. About six months ago, I was told that I wasn't a "good fit" for the ICU, and was basically told to resign, "or else." I was also accused of taking a narcotic medication on the job, an accusation that could not only put my job in jeopardy, it could put my license and therefore my livelihood in jeopardy. If the accusation had not been so serious, I probably would have laughed--not only had I never taken any narcotic medications in my life, but I am very sensitive to medications--I don't even take a Motrin while working because it would make me too sleepy.

Being the stubborn person that I am, I didn't resign. Instead, I consulted with an attorney, and on his advice, requested a copy of my personnel file--which had nothing incriminating in it.

Anyway, the rules of this hospital are that you have to stay in one position for a year before you can transfer out, so I had several months of waiting until I could find a better position. The trouble is, I loved what I was doing. ICU nursing was fascinating to me--I never knew what I was going to encounter when I walked through the doors on any given night.

During this time, I experienced almost daily nightmares because of this situation. I literally didn't know from one day to the next whether I would have a job. My grad school grades plummeted, and to be honest, I have basically been living off junk food and ice cream-if I eat at all. But the more I worked, the more I received feedback that I was really doing a good job--I basically didn't fit into the "clique" of nurses that had worked there for years. And to think I thought I'd left that sh*t back in junior high school. Go figure.

So when I saw this phrase about "understanding human relations," it got me thinking about a conversation that I had with one of my spiritual teachers. I explained that it's almost easier for me to understand the zealot who would crash an airplane into the World Trade Center, than it is for me to understand the everyday meanness and maliciousness that I have encountered over the past several months. My spiritual teacher said that I had happened upon one of the great mysteries of the universe.

My line of thinking goes: a zealot not only has been indoctrinated with some sort of belief system that he or she thinks is the path to Heaven, and that he or she is doing the right thing. The zealot also is not usually personally acquainted with his victims. But people that spend days and/or nights together, why would they want to spread malicious rumors about someone who they know and will presumably be working with for some time?? I find this disturbing especially in the realm of ICU nursing--patients can get worse very suddenly, and you need to know that your teammates have your back in a crisis.

Anyway, I have rambled on enough about this. The good news is that I finally have found a different position in the hospital, thank goodness.